Running 1:1s That Don't Suck

"So, any updates?"

This is how bad 1:1s start. And often how they end, after fifteen minutes of status updates that could have been a Slack message.

1:1s are the most valuable time you have with your direct reports. Most managers waste them.

What 1:1s Are For

1:1s are NOT for:

• Status updates
• Project reviews
• Task assignments
• Information you could share async

1:1s ARE for:

• Career development
• Building trust
• Giving and receiving feedback
• Surfacing concerns before they become problems
• Discussing what matters but isn't urgent

The distinction: async topics vs. relationship topics.

The Structure I Use

30 minutes, weekly. Non-negotiable.

First 10 minutes: Their agenda Whatever they want to talk about. Concerns, ideas, venting, questions. They drive.

Next 10 minutes: Development How are they progressing? What skills are they building? What do they need to grow?

Last 10 minutes: Feedback and alignment Things I've noticed. Things they should know. Making sure we're aligned.

Some weeks, one section takes the whole time. That's fine. The structure is a guide, not a constraint.

Their Agenda, Not Yours

The biggest shift: 1:1s belong to your direct report, not you.

If you spend the whole time talking, you've failed. If they leave without saying what was on their mind, you've failed.

Ways to make it their time:

• Send the invite with "Your 1:1 agenda" in the notes
• Start with "What's on your mind?"
• Ask follow-up questions, don't jump to solutions
• Let silence happen (they'll fill it)

If they don't have topics, that's data. Either things are going well, or they don't trust you enough to share.

Questions That Actually Work

"Any updates?" is lazy. Try:

For concerns:

• What's frustrating you right now?
• What's slowing you down?
• If you could change one thing, what would it be?

For development:

• What skills do you want to build?
• What would make you more effective?
• Where do you want to be in a year?

For feedback:

• What should I do differently?
• What's working about how we work together?
• What don't I understand about your work?

For engagement:

• What's energizing you?
• What's draining?
• Are you learning?

Pick a few each week. Rotate.

The Career Conversation

Every few months, zoom out:

"Let's talk about your career. Not next quarter — where do you want to be in 2-3 years?"

Then work backwards:

• What skills do you need?
• What experiences would help?
• How can your current work get you there?

People don't leave companies, they leave lack of growth (more on retaining talent in Building Engineering Culture). Have the career conversation.

Giving Feedback

1:1s are the place for real feedback. Not annual reviews. Regular, specific, in-the-moment.

Positive feedback: "In yesterday's meeting, when you pushed back on the timeline with data, that was exactly right. It changed the direction of the discussion."

Constructive feedback: "I noticed in the design review, you got defensive when someone critiqued your approach. The feedback was valid, and shutting it down hurts the team's ability to give you input. What was going on there?"

Direct. Specific. Timely.

When Things Are Weird

Sometimes 1:1s feel off. Surface tension. Avoiding topics.

Address it directly:

• "I feel like something's off. What am I missing?"
• "You seem less engaged lately. What's going on?"
• "Is there something we should talk about that we're not?"

Creating space for hard conversations is the job.

Remote 1:1s

Video on if possible. Reading body language matters.

But also: sometimes a walk-and-talk phone call is better than another video meeting. Change the format if Zoom fatigue is real.

When to Cancel (And When Not To)

Cancel when:

• They're heads-down on deadline and asked to skip
• You're both traveling and timing is impossible
• It's been a quiet week and they suggest async instead

Don't cancel when:

• You're busy (they're always lower priority if you cancel)
• Things are going well (that's when relationships are built)
• It's awkward (that's when it's most important)

Frequent cancellation tells them they're not a priority. Be careful.

Taking Notes

I keep simple notes:

• What we discussed
• Any action items (mine or theirs)
• Things to follow up on
• Career goals and progress

Reference them before each 1:1. "Last time you mentioned X. How's that going?"

Shows you were listening. Shows continuity.

Signs It's Working

Good 1:1s feel like a conversation, not an interview. Signs you're doing it right:

• They bring topics without prompting
• They share concerns early, not when it's too late
• They're comfortable disagreeing with you
• The relationship survives hard feedback
• They're growing

Signs It's Not

• Every 1:1 is just status updates
• They never bring anything to discuss
• Surprises keep happening (stuff they knew but didn't tell you)
• The conversation feels forced
• They start canceling

If you're seeing these, something needs to change. Ask them what.

1:1s are relationship infrastructure. Done well, they build trust, catch problems early, and develop people. Done poorly, they're wasted time for everyone.

Invest in them. The return is worth it.